two

I nodded in agreement and finished the awkward conversation with all my focus on my thumping heart and my reddening face. On my way out of his eyeline I tried to concentrate on not tripping over my own feet and looking calm, just look relaxed, look like he hadn’t changed my world with one sentence. When I finally turned the corner and found a bench, I sat. I ran lines of a prayer over and over in my head like a rosary prayer. Please God give me strength and understanding and power to change my feelings. Please God help me control my feelings and these thoughts and my mind. The whole reason I was here was because of him, the whole reason I exist is because of him. I felt so powerless. My breath felt heavy, my mind a foggy blur. Now I was on my own, I had to figure out some way of getting through the day. If I got through the day I would be able to get through the night and then surely at some point it would be easier. As soon as I had reassured myself I would be okay, I remembered his words and felt the sudden urge to heave – heave and scream and cry tears that couldn’t come because I didn’t want him to be near me when it started. The heat was suddenly so oppressing and I had to get in somewhere, had to find somewhere that would let me sit without judging me, without eyes staring at the white girl, without feeling so hopelessly alone.